Sunday, July 22, 2007
Struggling
I didn't grow up in church. I wasn't a christian until 5 years ago. Actually I was a little "wild" in high school and for several years after. I met Jamie in March 1999. Actually we met about 2 years before that and were friends of friends but we started dating in March. We moved in together in June, got engaged in October, pregnant in November and married in February 2000. Faith came in July 2000. We bought a house September 2002 and in December 2002 (New Year's Eve actually) I wanted out. I didn't want to be married anymore. I wanted to be on my own and "start over". He said no. He refused to leave and begged for anything so I agreed to counseling but I wanted to go to Pastor Aaron at Living Hope. My friend Susan had always invited me to Living Hope. She never pushed but she always invited me. So we started talking to Aaron. He saved our marriage. I look back and I know it was the devil trying to break us up because he knew we were to do good things for God's kingdom and we may not have done that if we separated. We started going to church and fell in love with LHCC. We've been going there almost 5 years now. Who knew we'd actually pray for people and read the Bible and go to church 3-4 times a week?? I know my past is scarred but it was a learning experience and I can reach others from the mistakes I made. I still struggle though with days I just want to walk away. I don't want to go to church anymore. Someone hurts my feelings or makes me mad and I want to find a church closer to home and forget the one that I made a whole new family at or I just don't want to go at all. I want to be on my own. I hate the days I feel like that and I pray and He gets me through them. He is my rock. Some days I yell at my kids and get so frustrated with them and feel like such a horrible mother. Some days I am so hateful to my husband because I just don't feel like talking to him. Some days I think why do any of it at all???????????? I just pray and He gets me through it all. I try to watch the way I talk and the things I do because I want to live my life in his likeness but there are days I don't care and I pray. All I can do is live one day at a time...and pray....and pray.
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4 comments:
I know so much how you feel that it's scary. Aaron saved our marriage, too, but there are still days I don't wanna to be anywhere near Erick. I know it was probably wrong, but I had to back away from church for a bit. I felt like I was drowning in trying to please PEOPLE and not GOD. I was hearing all the bad stuff people were saying and not trusting the things God has put into my own heart. Briana is ready to join youth group now and doesn't give 2 hoots any more about what those girls were saying in the bathroom that day because she knows what she has and hasn't done and so does God and that's all that matters. So I imagine we'll be coming on Wednesdays again and some Fridays. But during this extra time away I got to spend time here, reconnecting to my family, reading the bible and listening to God and not people, ya know?? I'll pray for you. You know that if your life is messy then you're doing something right, right?? :)
Melissa, that was a very honest post filled with things I'm sure we all feel and think from time to time.
People - and family - at some point, they will let you down. You're wise to keep your eyes on Jesus, who never will.
I love that you are so honest about your struggles. Keeping our faith strong is one of the hardest things to do when we just feel like quitting, but it is the only thing that will get us through!
And- I love the point that mom made- along the way almost everyone will let you down eventually, except Christ. I think everyone, myself included, tends to forget the fact at some point or another that church is full of people, and people are full of sin.
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